Centers' Little Helper

Dennis Hans, unrenowned former adjunct professor of mass comm and American foreign policy, relentlessly exposed the Bush administration’s “techniques of deceit” BEFORE the Iraq war, when it could have made a difference (see links). For decades he has fought baseball’s discrimination against lefthanded infielders and promoted his ingenious clockwise solution. A lifelong advocate for a flowing, non-brutal, flop-free NBA, he now champions the cause of its second-class citizens: the centers.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Mavs beware Spinal Shaq’s Big Bottom
Climbing fast on the heavy-metal charts just in time for the NBA Finals is Spinal Shaq’s remake of Spinal Tap’s thundering-bass megahit, “Big Bottom.” The original featured lead vocalist and derriere devotee David St. Hubbins (a.k.a. Michael McKean); the remake features his younger but by no means little brother, Diesel St. Hubbins.

Diesel St. Hubbins, as you may have guessed, is the big-haired, leather-clad, hard-rockin’ alter ego of Shaquille O’Neal. As hoop fans know, O’Neal has a growing cast of personas and monikers: Most Dominant Ever, the Big Aristotle, Don Dadda, Shaq Daddy, Last Center Left and Shaq Fu, to name a few. But those cats are playing it uncharacteristically cool in the run-up to Game 1. They’re making nice with the Mavs, praising young DeSagana Diop and even their favorite punchline, Erick Dampier. Not a single Shaq persona has reprised the joke about Damp having what it takes to be a decent center — in the WNBA.

But now here comes Diesel St. Hubbins cuttin’ loose with his revamped lyrics and colossal caboose. I can’t believe that owner Mark Cuban and the Mavs will simply turn the other cheek when they hear how Spinal Shaq intends to rear-end Dallas’s hoop-championship dreams.

Big Bottom

Original music and lyrics by Spinal Tap
New lyrics, incorporating some of the old, by Diesel St. Hubbins, as channeled by Dennis Hans
(To view the original lyrics, click here)

The harder the butt whack
The better for big Shaq
That's what I said
The bigger the cushion
The sweeter the pushin'
Or so I have read

I rule the paint with one hell of a heine
Dispatch Sagana whose bum is so tiny
Big bottom
Big bottom
Talk about bun cheeks
This boy’s got ’em
Big bottom, yes it’s one of a kind
Bow down before this behind

Envision the basket
And Damp in a casket
You know what I mean
One smack from my backside
And he’ll think that he died
I’m diggin’ the scene

Got both buns loaded and Dirk’s in my sight
No Hass-el-hoff gonna save him tonight
Big bottom
Big bottom
He wish he had my cheeks
But he ain’t got 'em
Big bottom says the crown will be mine
Bow down before this behind

The video is even more disturbing than the lyrics. It reveals the awesome power of an unleashed trunk with a whole lotta junk, knocking defenders hither and yon as prelude to a dunk.

If you’re Mark Cuban, do you show the video at the arena to incite the hometown fans, or do you suppress it out of fear that it will scare to death your 1-through-12 roster of willing but bony bottoms?


At 7:26 PM, Blogger laura said...

"got both buns loaded with dirk in his sights"

that's where the line should be about sinking her with a pink torpedo, right?

my sick mind is taking me places where it shouldn't with that line: dirk, pink, shaq, conquest, the old chestnut of blonde germans and black men (see: blazing saddles)...

well, i don;t mean to go that direction, though lately the playoffs have been strangely...obsessed with nuts and butts. you look at some of the replays, videos, and pictures on the net, it's hard not to come away with a juvenile impression.

At 1:34 PM, Blogger Dennis Hans said...

I kept my version strictly G-rated, both by inclination and to enhance its appeal to those in the Mavs' organization who'd be deciding whether or not to present my creation at the arena. They like fun stuff, but it needs to be family-friendly.

Haven't heard from a soul, so I'm not expecting "Big Bottom" to make it's debut Tuesday when Dallas hosts Game 6. But with Mark Cuban, one should expect the unexpected.

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